I’m not a writer. Written language is not my strong suit. If you ask a few people, they would say spoken language isn’t, either. So needless to say, I’m at loss here. A committed non-writer attempting to write. Why subject myself to such torture, you might ask, why dip into the fountain of masochism? At first, I thought it was for you (the reader). This is why authors and journalists and poets pour out their intimate thoughts and beliefs for strangers. Whether they mean to entertain, persuade, or captivate they do this for you. But now I feel differently. Now I think it’s for me. I think that the one person who will benefit the most from this outpouring of my inner monologue is me. There is a release that comes with placing your thoughts on paper. It is a useful means to organize and catalogue scrambled thoughts. I can see the value in that practice. But this release isn’t quite what I’m looking for in writing. No. In writing this very post I’m looking for confidence. I’m looking for practice. I’m looking for discipline.
At this stage in my life, I continually find myself with responsibilities I’m not prepared to handle. I am given tasks that I have no prior experience in completing. Writing this blog is an excellent example! In taking on the social media and marketing campaign for Critical Point’s upcoming show, REFRESH, I am facing challenges that are very new to me, and that can be terrifying. There is the fear of not only attempting and failing, but also of giving up before you even begin. It seems so easy. It would be so simple to just turn around and walk away. What scares me is the thought that I could live with myself if I did just walk away. Is there no accountability these days? People are better than that, they have to be. So I have to start at the bottom. I have to practice and work if I am to accomplish my goals. Quitting is not an option. So this seemingly senseless rambling isn’t for you. It’s for me. It’s to help me learn how to become a better writer. It’s to help me accept responsibility, and persevere.
As I travel with Critical Point this summer to Scotland for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and even beyond: when I move to NYC in September to pursue my theatre career, I know I will be faced with many new responsibilities and challenges. I’m not one hundred percent sure I’m prepared to meet them. In fact, I consider myself the worst candidate for the job. But, each bit of practice lays the groundwork. Each day, I grow a little more into the person that is capable of taking on any challenge. Each time I learn to do something that scares me, that terrifying mountain called obligation seems a little bit smaller.